About the overanalyzing bit: of course I’m overanalyzing! I’m on the road to doctoral studies and this is what such geeks do, especially when such geeks have blogs. But I should clarify. I can see where my post could connote worry or fretting, but this is not actually the case (though, like you say, there may be some fear buried deep down somewhere). It does not cause me stress at this moment. I am mainly exploring and intentionally analyzing my own point of view. In practice, I am generally “Nikean” in my actions. I am, however, in a moment of life that welcomes these foundational and fundamental questions. I’m trying to embrace the moment, in my own nerdy way.

About the specifics: I am not against getting those $2000 a pop speaking engagements (which are a couple decades away, if they come at all – and I’m okay with that) or getting fancy degrees, etc. per se. What I am concerned with is my main focus. Let’s talk about The Family Man for a minute. You probably already know where I’m going with this. Jack Cambell is a brilliant and successful businessman with nothing hindering him, no moral compass but his own desires. As his boss says in explaining why he’s at work on Christmas Eve night: “That’s because I’m a heartless bastard who only cares about money.” And Jack returns: “Well, you know what? God love you for that.” We all know that when he gets a glimpse of the way things would have been if he had different priorities, he sees that total self-service is, ironically, self-detrimental (not to mention the harm it causes others around him).

The key question for me is about sacrifice. When I spend my time or money doing one thing, I am not spending my time or money on something else. Am I sacrificing the good or the bad? Or perhaps, as you might say, I sacrifice neither. Sometimes I think that is true. I believe that most things we do entail multiple “good” or at least “neutral” options. But there are, of course, bad options. If I pursue my career solely to make me feel good about myself this can lead to extremes. Just to get ahead in [fill in career here], I could neglect my wife, my future children, my future students, and even the poor, naked and hungry of the world. You do mention that we are interdependent but with social and economic Darwinism, we are only dependent on those who can help us get a higher status in life.

If we concern ourselves with scratching the backs of those who will scratch ours in return, as a rule, then who scratches the backs of those who cannot return the favor? Darwin is perhaps right about our nature, but I think of Darwinism in a more descriptive way than prescriptive. Survival of the fittest is our nature. But I believe that nature does not hold the final answer. The way of Jesus beckons those who would follow to an unnatural (dare I say supernatural) path of denial and sacrifice.

Up until now in this response, I have spoken of things without particular reference to my faith. But for me, as you know, I take a specific canon of texts as authoritative. I believe that this canon, in its very strange way, reveals an alternative way of living… a way that seems strange, that doesn’t seem to “make sense.” Sure, there are things in the “world” that I embrace, like movies and music and basketball, but there is a certain “way of the world” that has the potential for destruction. As we see in the sad state of affairs in the Middle East, not to mention in our own cities and towns. This is what I deny.

This is a longwinded way of saying: I am most concerned with where I place my priorities and I don’t think that is a bad thing to question. I guess you were right after all: I didn’t have an epiphany. But you did help me think through things more carefully and for that I’m grateful. Thanks Mike!

Ahhh, the world. That nasty ol’ world. Well, it’s probably rare that an ex-seminarian agnostic would post on a blog like yours, but you and me — we gots ourselves some history, so everyone else can just stick a pin in their keester.

But just think, Pat. If we hadn’t known each other in high school and college, well, we’d probably never meet. Interesting, isnt’ it?

Anyway, back to the world. You see, the world is a messed up crappy place (I’m watching my language here), and it’s also a wonderful amazing place, with all points inbetween.

And it’s also normal.

You need to serve those who will best serve you. This is normal. Actually, let me put this in the right context here before I go further. Now I know that you’re a progressive Christian. Specifically I mean that evolution does not have to fight with your system of beliefs. Science is not your adversary or nemesis as it is to so many fundamentalists. But even so, with your open mind and reasonable understanding of this, I fear that you have not delved into something that would bring tremendous peace of mind on your quest to, well, to not worry about this so much.

And I hate to see my pal fretting uneccesarily. So look; please understand the most basic sense of what I’m getting at here, in your gut. Listen to me, my brother in humanity.

Darwin is right.

God or no God, we are here to survive. When you immerse yourself in the natural world, the universe, The black holes and time-rending explosions, the lipids and the proteins, the axons and dendrites, chemicals and electrical charges and instincts and drives… it’s pretty awe inspiring. And although somebody 400 years from now is chuckling as a I type this, but we have a halfway decent handle on how our biology works, why it works, and what this human organism is all about.

And as you know, these facts have nothing to do with God being there or not. It’s just that sometimes I feel like God might be more gritty and dirt-under-the-fingernails than most theologians are willing to dovetail with the facts of The World we survive in, each in our own way.

I beleive Gandalf was right. The universe will unfold as it should because it is what it is, and it wouldn’t unfold any other way anyway. God or no God, the truths we can gather through simple empirical observation say some things that let you off the hook.

Wanting a gazillion dollars, recognition in your field (read: tribe) and a great family life is normal. It’s not unholy. Your primal self wants security, unenending shelter, potential to produce offspring, limitless food, that kind of thing. These facts don’t make God disappear or something. It’s just that we’re animals, Pat. And we are pack animals.

The answer to whether or not we are our brother’s keepers is, “Yes!” We are interdependent. I guess I think you have a treasure trove of comfort that can be taken in getting away from your field for a bit. Go easy on yourself and go for those $2000 a pop speaking gigs. Shoot for the moon and if you miss, well, at least you hit the stars. Do stuff for yourself, for your family, and let that be coexistant in the same space and time with doing for others.

Like that metaphor about the oxygen masks in the crashing plane and how you’re supposed to secure the mask around yourself before attempting to help others. There’s a pragmatic reason why that’s the case, and metaphorically it’s so apt!

Like one of my favorite quotes from William Sloane Coffin: “If we hate ourselves we can never love others, for love is the gift of oneself. How will you make a gift of that which you hate?”

You are serving those who will best serve you. But they are serving you already too. They are demanding the best even though grading is an imperfect system (don’t get me started on standardized tests either). Yeah, it’s a bit of a meritocracy of sorts, but in terms of the people, maybe you can see that you’re serving them so they can serve you so that you can serve them and they, in turn, will serve you still more. You scratch their back…

It’s actually a beautiful circle. It’s not cold and heartless as spiritual folk often fear from looking through the chilly telescope or the hard metal souless microscope. We are simultaneously “selfish” (that is, looking out for ourselves — which is normal, by the way), as we are helping the others in our lives whom we value.

And I know there’s that whole love our enemies thing. I know you’re a pascifist (me too). Those are big ideas to be worked out, although when it comes to the thug on crack who doesn’t even see you as a person anymore as he reaches out his hand to thump you on the head in a drug-induced high (or low) — well, then you better have your sneakers on, ’cause it’s time to beat a hot retreat.

Hmm, I’m writing too much. And it’s very stream of consciousness. Sorry about that. OK, here it is. Ready?

I think You’re overanalyzing. There’s some cool stuff in Eastern thought about being in harmony with what is “in the now” and with nature. We evolved the way we are for better and for worse. Just go with it, Pat, for Pete’s sake.

I guess I hope my humanistic preaching will be some epiphany for you, but I know it won’t. I’m really just trying to tell you how relaxing it is to live daily life with a mind unfettered by the kind of thoughts that are bugging you in this particular posting.

And I’m not blowing off all the good stuff about ethics, how do I approach my fellow person and interact in our interdependent world. I’ve just also decided that I have to just chill and survive too.

Maybe you’re not allowed to “just chill” though. Perhaps this path of yours is one that will never be rid of these fears. And to call a spade a spade, they are fears. You fear something inside yourself that’s “bad” for wanting a $2000 a pop speaking gig.

It’s not the theology of sin that I have trouble with, it’s just that “selfishness” and “sin” can be explained so easily with science and physiology. Hey, we’re hard wired to look out for ourselves. We’re also hard wired to look out for others. Big whoop. Both instincts are good, but obviously living on a planet with scads of other minds and bodies and physiologies and backgrounds in this huge broth of humanity — well, it’s no wonder balance is never perfectly acheived.

Teddy Roosevelt was a jerk, but he did say, “Do the best you can with what you have where you are.”

Nike said, “Just do it.” God, that was such a brilliant slogan. It can mean so many things.

Pat, you’re doing your best. What more can be asked of you? Give yourself a break. Give God a break. If s/he set all this in motion then you’re just doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Unlike some people who are, as I like to say, “ill,” and not in good spiritual health — you are one of the few, yet one of many, who are endeavoring to live a life of balance and harmony with others, with God, with Life.

Keep up the good work, and try to get those sweet gigs. You will be second guessing yourself for the rest of your life if you worry to much about this. And who by worrying can add a single microsecond to the span of their existence?