My fellow bibliobloggers and biblioblog readers, I have tremendous news! I have discovered a new ancient document, heretofore never published! I discovered this document at the beginning of June and have worked tirelessly to decode its original script.

Using my advanced technological resources, I have dated the document to the late second century CE. Most astounding of all, this document includes a narrative revelation of the mysteries of the biblioblogging of June 2009. Thus, rather than actually doing the carnival for myself, I have simply translated this work so that we can all revel in its uncanny accuracy. Below is my transcript, with the accompanying links where appropriate. The prophecies are a bit fuzzy and there are strange translation issues, but if you hover over the links, those should be descriptive enough for our modern understanding of things.

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I, Eve, daughter of life and mother of light record the mysteries revealed to me by the Most High, Father and King of heaven. This scroll unveils the secrets of many scrolls, each scroll in its own cloud, approaching from the four corners of the cosmos. Each scroll spews forth from the mouth of a distinct figure having the appearance of a human being, the messengers of wisdom.

Concerning the first mysteries, a great door opened and I heard an ancient voice.

Douglas the Gun shall inquire into the writings of another voice concerning the timing of a scroll of the Law. Calvin of the Park whose Hat Flops shall reveal two heads in this saying and that saying. Amanda of the Park whose Hat Flops will cry out to Adonai, plumbing the depths of the lamentable words.

Duane the Smith shall call for any idiot to answer his questions from an ancient language, to unveil the meaning of KAL DILI. The Smith will also search for the omens in old songs.

Coming from the East, Michael the Satlow arose and taught me about the dynasty of the Hasmonean kings of old.

Christopher who Hears will report the way of the teachers of the Language of the Old Mysteries. Kevin the Comber of the Edge shall seek the mysteries of the Jews and the Old Books, revealing One Called Semler as their enemy. Julia Daughter of the Exalted One will share with the faithful the wisdom of reading the Ancient Scriptures, once, twice, three times, four times. John the Saint of the Hobbits will report upon a copy of the Old Books, preserved in beauty. Douglas the Gun shall report upon the Old Mysteries revealed within the earth.

Concerning our Lord and the new mysteries, another door opened with the clang of a symbol.

Out of a southeastern river, I saw a hawk rise in the sky. The hawk heralded the new beginning of a wise man, proclaiming, “The bloggings of Brandon the Wason have risen!” In that time, Mark of the Good Land will unveil his true voice to the world. His voice shall whisper the secrets of the New Scriptures for each person to treasure for themselves. This Man of the Good Land will also proclaim regarding the sayings of our Lord, defending against the heresy of the secret scroll.

“In those days, James from the West shall share the proclamations of Marvin the Vinemaker that the Lord was the Wicked Priest to the Essenes of old.” I asked the messenger, “What strange spirit possesses this maker of vines to make these claims?” The man replied, “Such mysteries are hidden even from you, Eve.”

The Woman of the Fourth Month of the Conick will unveil in her scrolls how followers have proclaimed our Lord again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

In those days, Joel of the Lightning who calls himself the Martyr will explore him and it and the Word from the beginning of John’s account of our Lord–pointing the mysteries of other writings on the same topic. James the Son of Grace shall question the meaning of the Word become flesh. The Son of Grace will have written his own scroll revealed in those times.

The Man of Marx will rise up to challenge the Apostle, calling the Apostle a liar. James the Gregorian will examine the meanings of a single word, the word of the Apostle: The Gregorian called out to the earth: “Give!” Kevin of the Skull will place in order the messengers who comment upon the Apostle’s words to the Philippians. Jason the Great One shall report upon the Apostle and the Law.

And there shall be a great many voices from among the messengers calling out regarding The Bishop Called Wright, one and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another.

Greg of the Pleasant Stream will unveil the neglected words of the New Mysteries here and there and here and there and here and there  again.

Michael of Coca-Cola shall reveal the mysteries of the segments of times.

Darrell who Pierces the Valley arose and taught me about the gathering of the New Scriptures.

And there were other various mysteries swirling in a great cloud, being revealed one after another.

In the great multitude there will be those who can control their bodies in such a fashion as to make musical sounds with their buttocks without foul smell. From among this number, David the Miller will search for Greek words rising from the ground of holy lands. Michael of the Thistle Patches will fight with the many headed beasts rising from various scrolls. James from the Village will be a messenger for the many messengers of Enoch.

Ken the Schenk shall dive into the pit of Scriptural errors, shining within it a bright light.

Roland the Farmer will attack the angry gaurdians of the scroll collectors.

The mysteries of James from the West shall be written on a  scroll dedicated to the man.

And I looked and I saw a great fire. The fire was divided into a multitude of burning scrolls. There were five burning scrolls in each group and each group represented a single messenger: Ken from the Brown Lands, Brandon the Wason, Jared the Pebble, Kevin of the Skull, The Daniel and The Tonya, James the Son of Grace, Art the Ball Maker, Douglas the Gun, John the Saint of Hobbits, Michael of Coca-Cola, Nicholas the Norelli, The Man Crowned with Laurel from a Thorn Tree [Not Jesus], Judy the Red Woman, Douglas the Chantry Priest, Darrell who Pierces the Valley, James of the Good God, Kevin the Comber of the Edge, John the Son of Andrew, Scott the Attendent of the Castle, Brian the Minister, Claude the Mariottini, Michael the Barber, Michael the Bird Watcher, and many others.

In the end, the fires shall transform into gold and the Garden shall be renewed. And the Sons and Daughters of Wisdom shall know the truth. Amen, Amen, and Amen.

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I am certain that you are all as astounded as I am at the odd beauty (and specificity) of this document! I am going to have to rethink my understanding of prophecy and apocalyptic literature.

I also have to say just how amazing Ken Brown must feel to have not only created such a successful meme among biblioblogs, but also to have had the success of his idea predicted hundreds of years ago. Unbelievable.

If you feel that the prophet has missed important discussions from the past month of biblioblogging, please do share them in the comments. But don’t blame me, I’m just the translator.